Why I’m A Terrible Person

I don’t know why I’m writing this post, I guess because it is all my life is really revolving around at the moment. Anyway, if you continue reading you may find out how to keep friends and not be an awful person simply by not following my steps.

For the past three years I have had depression on and off and an eating disorder that I have tried to recover from multiple times. If you have similar experience to me, then you may understand that it’s difficult to talk to others and as feelings of sadness and anger build up inside of you, your judgement and reactions to situations may change. Some people learn to deal with their issues and move forward. I however, did not.

Basically I have this secret twitter account where I felt free to rant and complain about anything that I wanted and could openly tweet about my problems without anyone I know finding out. The only issue with this was that I often tweeted mean things about my friends which of course with my luck they ended up finding out about. Now it’s not like I tweeted to be mean, it’s just that at stages of my life where I was severely depressed they wouldn’t understand and I would get very annoyed at them and that would turn into tweets where I stated how I ‘hated’ my friends and how they were ‘dumb bitches’. These things are awful things to say and I deeply regret it, but at the time I just figured I was getting out feelings and they would not find out. It’s definitely a mistake I would take back in a second.

My current situation is where I now have one friend, even more depressed and very suicidal. This is all my own fault so I am now dealing with the repercussions of my actions. I see how happy my friends are without me hanging around them as they all hate me now, and they should hate me as even I hate myself. I hope they are even happier when I am no longer around.

Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,

<AverageTeen

 

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Update On My Life

Let me start off this post by saying, wow it’s been a while, nearly one month actually. Now I know I don’t have any type of fanbase that have missed my less than average posts from the ramblings of my less than average mind, but I wanted to acknowledge my absence as I have missed posting, but anyway, let’s get on with the topic of today- my friends finding out my purging.

Now let me set the scene. February 15th 2014, my friends and I have planned to go out for my friend, A’s, birthday. We also planned that I would get drunk as fcuk, but what I never anticipated was my secrets coming out from my drunkness. So yes, I literally told my friends how I purge everyday and how I want to die, it’s genuinely my fault for not being able to keep myself together and that annoys me even more as I have no one to blame but myself. No ‘oh leave me alone you shouldn’t be stalking me for a private blog’ or ‘ugh why did you follow me to the bathroom?’ nope, none of that, I told them and now I have to deal with the repercussions.

The next day when I woke up at my friends house I couldn’t remember telling them my secret so I went on as normal until school on Monday. I’m going to back the story up a bit and say that since I was so drunk, I basically turned into a butch and said mean/rude things to my friends and got sick in my friends car, ie they weren’t too happy with me those days after. So basically, I knew they hated me and this brought out my anxiety, reminding me of the days when we were 14 and they all hated me and ignored me, making me feel like shit which helped lead to all my fcuked up mind problems. By bringing out my anxiety, I really mean it. My friend S said ‘yeah they are still annoyed at you’ and that brought it on. Just hearing those words sent chills down my spine and tightened my chest. I couldn’t help it, I felt cold and couldn’t stop shaking, my neck hurt and I couldn’t breath, I then was sent out of class to calm down and relax. After this class was lunch and I couldn’t be in the same room as my friends as they hated me and also the rest of the girls eating lunch simply because I was too panicked to be in a room full of people. I grabbed my lunch and left to find an empty classroom but while on my way I ran into one of my friends who started asking where I was going, but with my anxiety increasing by the second I just started saying how I wanted to be alone and a few tears escaped while I tried to hold it back. When I finished my lunch I went to the bathroom completely alone, but when I emerged from the stall I was not alone. My friend whom I had seen in the hall was standing there and I never heard her enter. 

I just brushed it off, saying that I didn’t have a problem and that I wasn’t bulimic, which she kept saying I was, but I know it left her frustrated. I mean, what am I supposed to say, it’s not like I was expecting her to be there. That’s when I found out it was actually me who spilled the secret. I do hate myself even more for telling them, as it’s now impossible for me to do it knowing that they know and it can be difficult purging after dinner some nights as I don’t want to raise suspicion, so I go days without purging and it drives me crazy, none of them understand how much I need it.

They don’t talk about it now, but I know they won’t forget any time soon which just makes me feel like sh*t to be honest. They know the truth and I can no longer purge in school and all for no reason because they now know and yet it’s made no difference in my life. So much for the theory ‘you can tell someone and it’ll make you feel better’. I feel more alone than ever. I truly just sit around hoping the next time I purge will take my last breath. I told my friend I do it out of habit, but I don’t. The thing that fuels me to continue is the thought that I am unloved and no one would care if I was to go.

Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,

<AverageTeen

Looking Back On Myself

Today I was looking through some twitter settings and I noticed a feature about archiving your tweets,  so I just thought ‘ok lol lets dive into the thoughts of 14 year old me’. Now I’m not really surprised as to what my tweets were like but it made me consider what I was like then and how I am now.
14 onwards was where my life kinda went out of control,  I do plan on going into further detail of my past on my blog when I figure out how I want to put it. Basically I read all my past tweets and realised that I’m not all that different as I used to be, I’m just more sneaky and handle myself better. I read through all these indirects about friends and my issues but they were so bloody clear and obvious I don’t know how people put up with me.
I would get annoyed when people asked me what was wrong and gave me advice on something they knew nothing about even though I would tweet ‘hate when I’m helping everyone with problems but no one cares about me’, YES THEY DO THEY LITERALLY ASKED YOU.
I hated when my friend confroted me about my indirects and called me two faced when I would tweet ‘hate everyone right now, friends are useless’, I DESERVED TO BE CALLED A BITCH BECAUSE I WAS ONE.
My situation is the same as I have the same personal and mental problems and I have the same people around me to trigger or help me.
Looking back I can realise how I mistreated the situation,  I was young and looking for attention. At least now I’ve realise it’s easier to spill all your secrets as an anonymous blogger, life is less stressful this way.

Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,

<AverageTeen

My Night Out Experiences II

Okay, so this is a very general post about something I have noticed a lot in the past few months when I’ve been going out to over 18 clubs. I noticed it, but never really thought about it until I was out last Friday and realized how often it actually happens. What id this phenomena I am talking about? To put it simply, I’m talking about boys creepin’. Now I understand that yes of course boys are going to approach girls to talk to them or kiss them, but on Friday I was actually alarmed by the amount of times my friend and I were approached by boys simply because we were 1. Drunk and 2. Alone.

Speaking from my own experience from Friday, I was approached by  three different guys trying to come on to me and they all started with the same line- ‘Aw are you okay?’- it may not sound like a line but this always led to them having an excuse to sit beside me and try to kiss me. These boys literally stopped in their paths when they saw me about to pass out and wasted no time trying to make me comfortable with them i.e hugging me when I said I couldn’t find my friends or even saying ‘its okay now, I’m your friend’ (lol no your not love, I know your game). I witnessed the same thing happen with my best friend as she was completely out of it and I was sitting with her and two boys came over to her and completely ignored me and tried to kiss her when it was so obvious that she could hardly sit up properly.

Basically, boys are quite cunning when they are drunk, so a lesson to my fellow ladies out there- stay with your friends and if someone who you don’t feel comfortable with approaches you, don’t be afraid to call them out on it and tell them to leave you alone (this is some do as i say not as i do advice as I am notorious for leaving my friends on nights out and kissing boys just because I feel like a bitch for leaving them oops).

Drink count:

  • Captain Morgan and diet coke- 1
  • Vodka and diet coke- 1
  • Sambuca shots- 3

 

Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,

<AverageTeen

‘I am so proud of you’…. Really?

‘I am so proud of you’…

…Usually when people hear that it makes them feel warm inside, people usually only say it when you have done something to show your intelligence, strength and capability, but not me. My friend said it to me yesterday but I felt sick, I don’t deserve to hear it.

I mentioned to my best friend N that I think another friend D has an eating disorder as I have seen signs for years and honestly I’ve been in denial to know it’s happening to someone I’m friends with. After I said all my reasons N said ‘that all makes sense, I really don’t want to see someone go through that again. You’ve been so strong to pull through it all and I am so proud of you‘. But honestly, have I pulled through it? I still obsess over my weight and the past few weeks I’ve been purging after most dinners. I haven’t gotten through it but I’ve gotten better at keeping it a secret.

I smile more.

Eat more at school.

I no longer sub-tweet things that are linked with eating disorders or self hatred.

Yes I make myself seem happier and healthier than when I was 14/15 but that doesn’t mean I’ve pulled through it and I am nothing to be proud of. I am a liar.

I have not shown any strength as I give into the voice in my head.

I have not shown any intelligence as I know the dangers, yet I choose to ignore them.

I have not shown any capability as I lead such a dysfunctional life, incapable of leading a normal one.

I still don’t truly believe I’ve ever had an eating disorder, I can’t believe it as I’ve never been sick enough. Right now even though I refer to it as one, I just think of it as a little problem with food with nothing to worry about. I do know the truth of what it is, but I don’t really believe it.

I don’t think any of that makes sense to anyone, but it makes sense in my head and really nothing from my head makes sense to anyone else.

So don’t be proud of me, you don’t really know what you’re saying you’re proud of.

Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,

<AverageTeen

Night Out Experiences I

So I have decided that I shall tell some tales of what goes on when I go out with my friends. This is a segment as I’m sure I will have many to tell throughout the year. Also, I’m not sure if some of this stuff is TMI or will make me sound like some drunk slut, but you don’t know me and I’m not one so leave your judgement here before you continue reading.

Ok so lets begin with some background information. Me and my friends were at a fundraiser for another school where it was basically just a night out and a boy that I have liked for a few months, lets call him A, goes to that school so he was there too.

So lets start early in the night. I saw A sitting near me and my friends so I pointed him out to them as they’ve never seen him before and then when we went to get some shots he went up to the bar to and as we were leaving my friend N turned to A and just went ‘will you kiss her?’ and I swear I could have killed me on the spot, I wanted to cry. Like he probably knows I like him now and it’ll be awkward when I see him like I thought that was as embarrassing as it could get until later on when I literally had to watch him kiss another girl, wanted to shoot myself basically and then even later my friend N was talking to him and asked him to kiss me again like fuck offfff no. Also she talked to him for ages which made me really jealous. I honestly wanted to be no where near them, she’s my best friend and in that second I hated her for being prettier than me and talking to this boy I like right in front of me. Like I know this isn’t much of an experience, but can someone reply asking if I overreacted? Like can I just use being a teenage girl an excuse for nearly crying over him and having a shit night?

Another part of the night I ended up kissing this boy, M, and I swear he was the worst kiss of my life and I didn’t think he was good looking, I was just so sad after watching A kiss a girl (also I should add that at one point when I was dancing with M I kissed him just because I saw A and wanted to make him jealous even though I know he wasn’t like ugh why am I so dumb). So while I was with M he started saying stuff about getting a condom and all so we could sex and how we should leave the club early (like wtf I met you 45mins ago ok stop) and he took me to this secluded area and his friend P joined us and said (this is nearly an exact quote) ‘I say you go for it and get your vag around him’. I’m sorry, what??? I don’t know you like that so stop. I then made an excuse about how I had to find my friends and he said he’d find me later (hahaha no thanks). Then later on while I was with my friends on the dance floor he found me and kissed me again and another one of his friends came over and said that M was a good guy and I should go for it (NO LEAVE ME ALONE). Ok so then I made an excuse that my friend needed help and I left him again and later on for the third time he saw me and I didn’t even look at him, I was nearly crying ‘no get him away from me I don’t want to be with him’ into my friends shoulder while he just pointed at me as if to say ‘yeah I’m getting it tonight’ (lol no your not bro). Like I found that boy so creepy by the end, I couldn’t breath when I saw him because of my anxiety. Again, I just want to know, did I overreact? I mean he didn’t really do anything but tried to get me to sleep with him and wouldn’t leave me alone, but was it my fault?

Don’t worry though, better stories and experiences are to come, I just wanted to get my feelings about my friend and the whole A/M situation out of my system without indirecting on twitter.

(Also, just to paint a picture of how drunk I was during these experiences I’ll put a rough estimate of how much I drink each night out I talk about)

Drink count:

  • Purple Death- 1
  • Vodka and red bull- 1
  • Vodka and diet coke- 1
  • Sambuca shots- 4
  • Sips and drinks of whatever others were having

 

Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,

<AverageTeen

My New Found Obsession

Ok so I know in this day and age where teenagers are expected to sit around on the internet or party and drink their weekends away my new obsession may seem a bit odd, but to be honest I’m now obsessed with… books. That’s right, books. Now this may seem totally normal to some people reading this, but honestly I would be lucky if I’ve read 5 books in the past 4 years. 

This obsession started with my new years resolution, where I stated that I wanted to read at least 10 books in 2014, which is completely do able as 13 days in I have fully read 2 books and have another 3 bought that may last me a week or two (now that i have school I can’t easily read one book in one day). 

Now I do consider this an obsession and not just a love as I actually think I have a problem on my hands. When I read, I get completely enthralled in the book. I read for hours on end and into the early hours of the morning just to finish a book and then I realize I only started it the day previous, I just can’t put it down no matter how much I try. I put my heart into the words I read and truly feel for the characters (I don’t know if that makes me sound cray or what but I don’t even care, let me be craycray).

Another thing with books (and this will just show my lonely side) is that the guys are always so perfect. They are handsome, kind, smart, sweet and will do whatever it takes to show their love and that sort if thing has never happened to me and I honestly don’t see it ever happening (imagine me getting married like l-o-l), so I guess it’s nice to read that happen for others even though I know it’s just a story. Also, another problem is that these guys are what I want so basically fictional boys are ruining my life (I think that may be a new low oops)

Anyway, I am very excited to see where this obsession takes me in 2014 and I will start compiling a list on my blog of books when I complete them (both on wattpad and actual paperback books). I kind of feel like I should warn you all that if you look at the book list you may find books with a very dark nature such as abuse and mental health problems, but yeah I find that stuff interesting (so you have been warned mwahahahaha (idk why I did that laugh, just go with it))

Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,

<AverageTeen