Let me start off this post by saying, wow it’s been a while, nearly one month actually. Now I know I don’t have any type of fanbase that have missed my less than average posts from the ramblings of my less than average mind, but I wanted to acknowledge my absence as I have missed posting, but anyway, let’s get on with the topic of today- my friends finding out my purging.
Now let me set the scene. February 15th 2014, my friends and I have planned to go out for my friend, A’s, birthday. We also planned that I would get drunk as fcuk, but what I never anticipated was my secrets coming out from my drunkness. So yes, I literally told my friends how I purge everyday and how I want to die, it’s genuinely my fault for not being able to keep myself together and that annoys me even more as I have no one to blame but myself. No ‘oh leave me alone you shouldn’t be stalking me for a private blog’ or ‘ugh why did you follow me to the bathroom?’ nope, none of that, I told them and now I have to deal with the repercussions.
The next day when I woke up at my friends house I couldn’t remember telling them my secret so I went on as normal until school on Monday. I’m going to back the story up a bit and say that since I was so drunk, I basically turned into a butch and said mean/rude things to my friends and got sick in my friends car, ie they weren’t too happy with me those days after. So basically, I knew they hated me and this brought out my anxiety, reminding me of the days when we were 14 and they all hated me and ignored me, making me feel like shit which helped lead to all my fcuked up mind problems. By bringing out my anxiety, I really mean it. My friend S said ‘yeah they are still annoyed at you’ and that brought it on. Just hearing those words sent chills down my spine and tightened my chest. I couldn’t help it, I felt cold and couldn’t stop shaking, my neck hurt and I couldn’t breath, I then was sent out of class to calm down and relax. After this class was lunch and I couldn’t be in the same room as my friends as they hated me and also the rest of the girls eating lunch simply because I was too panicked to be in a room full of people. I grabbed my lunch and left to find an empty classroom but while on my way I ran into one of my friends who started asking where I was going, but with my anxiety increasing by the second I just started saying how I wanted to be alone and a few tears escaped while I tried to hold it back. When I finished my lunch I went to the bathroom completely alone, but when I emerged from the stall I was not alone. My friend whom I had seen in the hall was standing there and I never heard her enter.
I just brushed it off, saying that I didn’t have a problem and that I wasn’t bulimic, which she kept saying I was, but I know it left her frustrated. I mean, what am I supposed to say, it’s not like I was expecting her to be there. That’s when I found out it was actually me who spilled the secret. I do hate myself even more for telling them, as it’s now impossible for me to do it knowing that they know and it can be difficult purging after dinner some nights as I don’t want to raise suspicion, so I go days without purging and it drives me crazy, none of them understand how much I need it.
They don’t talk about it now, but I know they won’t forget any time soon which just makes me feel like sh*t to be honest. They know the truth and I can no longer purge in school and all for no reason because they now know and yet it’s made no difference in my life. So much for the theory ‘you can tell someone and it’ll make you feel better’. I feel more alone than ever. I truly just sit around hoping the next time I purge will take my last breath. I told my friend I do it out of habit, but I don’t. The thing that fuels me to continue is the thought that I am unloved and no one would care if I was to go.
Stay tuned for more pointless ramblings,